peace of mind

As I drove the 3.5 hour trip home, my mind was full of excitement. I would soon get to see my Mom, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, Grandparents, Niece, and possibly my sister. I had not been home in 4 months. The longest time I can ever remember. I missed the familiarity of it all. I missed just getting to chill with them. Things have changed a lot around there in the past 5 years. Ive moved away, my sister now has a 2 year old, her own home, and 4 horses (her dream), my little brother left for college, my mom and step dad no longer live together, and my best friend/cousin has moved to Arizona. One thing that has not changed is the mindset they all have about me. My family and friends have always had faith in my ability to be the person and athlete I want to be. It is fun to go home, and be reminded of that. My Poppa, and Aunt Deb probably mentioned me winning the race I would be running on Sunday 15 times before Saturday had ever dawned.
I love their belief in me.
Saturday came and went all too quickly, and next thing I know it was time to wake up and get ready to race. I met up with Carol for warm up, and we laughed and enjoyed the easy 15 mins together before it was time to really get serious. I had run this race one other time in 2006. 36:07 was my finishing time then. With the way things have been going I would be happy to improve on that. I prayed for only one thing going into the race. That I would be mentally tough, and focused from start to finish.
As we did our final strides, and got down to our race day gear, I began to feel pretty nervous. I remember asking my mom to pray for my mental toughness too, and then it was time to lay it out there. The gun went off, and we were on our way. We came through the mile in 5:15 and I was the lead woman. Shortly there after I saw a familiar figure, and gave a hello nod. R. D. Goodwright, was a runner at Youngstown State when we met as we were both running under Matt Woods one summer. He asked what my goal was and I said anything under 35 mins would be a PR. He nodded and said "lets go".
5:21 through the 2nd mile R. D. grabbed 2 waters and handed one my way. I smiled and took a swig. "Double hills, don't be fooled" he said, and I looked up, only to see a very large hill in front of me and remember from 06 that when you got around the bend, it just went up again. So I told myself the same thing we always did in college, 'just tap it out'. Soon enough we were cresting the top of the hill and making our way back down. 5:50...slow, but still leading.
We began to hit a few small rolling stretches and the pace quickened to 5:35. Then R. D. was off to help another guy he knew. I kept trying to push the pace, and R. D. slowly came back. 5:44 through 5 miles and then she blew by me. A Kenyan woman from Kentucky. I tired to go with her, and heard R. D. from 20 meters behind remind me it was worth it. So I pressed...HARD. We hit the bridge over the river heading into downtown, and despite my best effort she started to pull away. 600 meters to go my mom was there, screaming "Becki, go you can catch her". I gave it another push, only to find myself tying up pretty badly. But only 600 meters to go, I can give in now. So I pressed as hard as I could. 34:56. A new PR, and an answered prayer. I had made it the whole way feeling like I was racing, and not giving up!
I still have a long way to go to find my confidence, but this was a good step in the right direction.
26.2 miles im coming after you...one step at a time.

how do i get there from here?

Or maybe better yet how did I get here from there? I used to be so confident, and I believed with ever fiber of who I am that with hard work I could be not only one of our nations best, but challenge nearly anyone in the world when it came to the marathon. Then October 3rd 2010 rolls around and I find myself in the midst of an amazing opportnity jogging. Mearly a fitter looking image of the girl I used to be. My head was somewhere else that day, and everyday I can remember in 2010. I've run PR's, had some of the best workouts of my life and have a team of people behind me like I've never had, and then hiccup...I loose the one thing that made me beat people in the past. My unwavering belief that this pitter patter of shoes on the street was my domain, the place I turned heads, and learned to dream, my ticket to remaining "peter pan", just gone? But how, where, and more importantly, how do I get it back?
As I lace up my shoes this coming week and begin the journey to sacramento where ill race the california international marathon on december 5th, I have a goal that doesn't involve numbers. I have to find the girl I lost somewhere in the fringes. I'm going to have to dig deeper than I ever have to pull her out of wherever she is burried, and remind her I need her.
Well call her confidence. I've never wanted something more. The road may be long to find her again, but ill lace up, and you better believe I won't be looking back.
The quest for the oly trials A standard starts now, confidence...I'm looking for you.