Becoming a Mom was a tough fit for me. I struggled with the loss of freedom, and the guilt that the feeling would be labeled as lack of love for my children. I have always deeply loved my kids, but felt that no one would believe that because of the many views I heard, and pressures I felt. I was told by people I respected that I took running to seriously and should let it go now that I had kids. That it was selfish to keep training and racing. That somehow, me having a life that wasn't 100% about my kids, made me a bad Mom. Less than other Mom's. I carried that guilt, all the while believing in my dreams as an athlete, and knowing I wanted, and needed to chase them.
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| Becoming a Mom was a tough fit! |
I worked hard through many missteps, and failures along the way, but I can say nearly six years later, that I am a good Mom. I work hard for my kids on the days it comes easy, and on the days it does not. I work hard as an athlete, choosing to "not care" what the people said who believed I should give up on my dreams since I was now a Mom. But there is deep seeded hurt knowing that people view me as only a Mother to my children, and no longer my own person. It created anxiety, resentment, and sadness. The struggle with it has gotten easier over the years, as I have chosen to surround myself with many people who see me as a person, and a Mom. Just like parenting somedays the guilt is light, and others it is heavy. Many Mom's out there can probably identify with that very strongly.
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| Running, and pushing myself brings me great joy. |
I have been looking forward to late August 2020 for nearly six years. This was to be the time I would regain some freedom. Be able to work, and train while my kids were in full day school. I long for the mental freedom to work, and train on a more regular schedule instead of having to squeeze it in the cracks of the day around Ryan's work, and taking care of our two incredible kids. I long to not be viewed a a bad Mom who is taking away from her kids, from those who have viewed it as such. As we wade through week ten of school being done from our home, my responsibilities increasing, the weight of my kids education on my shoulders, I feel tired. I know that my "plight" is one of privilege, and comfort, much unlike many will, and have experienced during the COVID-19 pandemic. For me this is heavy and tough none the less, which lead me to share. The thought of home school, and the loss of long sought freedom, for quite possibly 67 more weeks feels unbearable somedays. I fear not having the skill set required to help my kids get through next year as well as full time school would. I want safety for my family, and all of our communities, yet the heaviness of it weighs on me. I share this with the hope that people out there in similar situations, loosing freedom and feeling guilt because of their sadness and see this and know it is ok to feel loss and sadness in the midst of much greater loss and sadness. You are not alone, you are NOT a bad Mom, you are a person, who longs for freedom, nothing more. So hang in there, cry, feel upset, and press on through the struggle. Doing the best we can IS GOOD ENOUGH.
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| The incredible and incredibly loved kids. |
